Last night I went to a Womens Network meeting at the Bartlesville public library. This was the first meeting of the new year for WN and I was really looking forward to the program. We had a spoken word artist and poet (she is also the president of Tulsa's NAMI) come in and do a piece about mental illness and the obstacles that women with mental illnesses face. Let me tell you, I was very interested in hearing this as well as the discussion after the show. It was actually the actresses personal story of her daughters ascension in Schizophrenia. It was very well done, with the woman going back and forth between the mother and the daughters side of the story and acting them both out quite beautifully. I was quite surprised when during one scene she shouted many times in the meeting room these words:
PISS!
PISS on the walls!
to a room full of some of the most accomplished and interesting women in town. I should say that not one of them appeared shocked, but it was shocking to hear such words yelled so loud in the library!
I thought about it after, that sometimes I should yell "piss on the walls" a little loud, and that if I did, I might feel better about things, instead of bottling it up inside. So, here I am, yelling PISS and I do feel better.
Friday, September 21, 2007
More Ranting
After that last post I got dressed and went to The Bar to go hear Donnie play for a little while. After exactly 1/2 of a beer I tired of being in a bar and came home to rant some more. Now that I have brought up My Husband and Bars in general, I would like to talk about both.
First lets talk about my husband, shall we? I have had to endure many rude and condensending remarks about him being a "Professional Musician" and questions as to the validity of said statement. I would like to say that yes, Donnie is a professional and is quite a well regarded bass player in the State of Oklahoma, that could also be stretched to a much broader statement and say "The Midwest". The only reason that at this time Donnie plays locally is because he stays home to support me and be a stepfather to my children who love and need him. Any discussion in him going on the road results in vehement objection by the kids and myself. I would like to take a moment and reitterate the fact that my husband is an accomplished and well respected musician and mention the fact that he is mentioned in numerous magazine, newspaper and Oklahoma music history books as a progenitor of an entire genera of music. Most recently he was mentioned BY NAME on page 141 of "The Colors of Oklahoma Music from the Blue Devils to Red Dirt"written by John Wooley. Donnie has on multiple occasions turned down several very lucrative and high profile gigs with touring bands who have songs on the charts in Texas to stay home and support myself and my family. A lesser man would have been onstage in front of thousands of people every week, stroking his ego, and God knows what else. But Donnie stays where he is most needed and for that he is ridiculed by people who are of small minds.
Bars, lets talk about bars... the people who hang out in them and the people who own them. If you see me in a bar, keep in mind I am there for one thing and one thing only. If you see me talking to a bar owner, or you yourself are a bar owner I can assure you that what I want from you is your money. I want you to either buy something from me, or book a gig from me. If I am at a gig I am there to make sure things go well and that I get the money at the end of the night for the band. Period.
If I am in a bar, I am ready to go home. I do not like leaving and smelling like an ashtray and I do not like talking to drunk people who spit in my face while they stand too close to me and talk to loud because they are drunk. A secret, dear drunkard, most of what you say, I can't hear, and me nodding in agreement means nothing, you could have said you just killed someone and I can't understand you, so I nod... God forbid I ask you again what you said for clarification... WHY? Because your drunk... or high.... and your making no sense. Think I don't notice those big giant pupils you have going on? Your wrong.
I do have to say that those people who go in for the music...your different. You know who you are. The intelligent people, the ones who might have listened to NPR on the way up... especially you Science folks and in Tulsa, YOU Science folks... people who know the words to Woody Guthrie tunes, you don't count as bar people. You go to the bar because the music is there... I book it there, because thats where the money is to pay the musicians. If there was a better way to do it, I would. I just happen to know from personal experiance that musicians and their families need to eat and they gotta get paid. I also know that if you stifle a musician and don't let him play, a part of his soul dies every day without a way to express themselves. I can't let that happen to my people, because I know the feeling, being stifled, and it is one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
But I digress... I would like to clarify that there is a difference between going to a bar and listening to quality music, and hanging out in a bar all the time and being a lout, but most of you out there already know that, don't you?
First lets talk about my husband, shall we? I have had to endure many rude and condensending remarks about him being a "Professional Musician" and questions as to the validity of said statement. I would like to say that yes, Donnie is a professional and is quite a well regarded bass player in the State of Oklahoma, that could also be stretched to a much broader statement and say "The Midwest". The only reason that at this time Donnie plays locally is because he stays home to support me and be a stepfather to my children who love and need him. Any discussion in him going on the road results in vehement objection by the kids and myself. I would like to take a moment and reitterate the fact that my husband is an accomplished and well respected musician and mention the fact that he is mentioned in numerous magazine, newspaper and Oklahoma music history books as a progenitor of an entire genera of music. Most recently he was mentioned BY NAME on page 141 of "The Colors of Oklahoma Music from the Blue Devils to Red Dirt"written by John Wooley. Donnie has on multiple occasions turned down several very lucrative and high profile gigs with touring bands who have songs on the charts in Texas to stay home and support myself and my family. A lesser man would have been onstage in front of thousands of people every week, stroking his ego, and God knows what else. But Donnie stays where he is most needed and for that he is ridiculed by people who are of small minds.
Bars, lets talk about bars... the people who hang out in them and the people who own them. If you see me in a bar, keep in mind I am there for one thing and one thing only. If you see me talking to a bar owner, or you yourself are a bar owner I can assure you that what I want from you is your money. I want you to either buy something from me, or book a gig from me. If I am at a gig I am there to make sure things go well and that I get the money at the end of the night for the band. Period.
If I am in a bar, I am ready to go home. I do not like leaving and smelling like an ashtray and I do not like talking to drunk people who spit in my face while they stand too close to me and talk to loud because they are drunk. A secret, dear drunkard, most of what you say, I can't hear, and me nodding in agreement means nothing, you could have said you just killed someone and I can't understand you, so I nod... God forbid I ask you again what you said for clarification... WHY? Because your drunk... or high.... and your making no sense. Think I don't notice those big giant pupils you have going on? Your wrong.
I do have to say that those people who go in for the music...your different. You know who you are. The intelligent people, the ones who might have listened to NPR on the way up... especially you Science folks and in Tulsa, YOU Science folks... people who know the words to Woody Guthrie tunes, you don't count as bar people. You go to the bar because the music is there... I book it there, because thats where the money is to pay the musicians. If there was a better way to do it, I would. I just happen to know from personal experiance that musicians and their families need to eat and they gotta get paid. I also know that if you stifle a musician and don't let him play, a part of his soul dies every day without a way to express themselves. I can't let that happen to my people, because I know the feeling, being stifled, and it is one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
But I digress... I would like to clarify that there is a difference between going to a bar and listening to quality music, and hanging out in a bar all the time and being a lout, but most of you out there already know that, don't you?
A long needed release
Its all over and if you read this and you have a particular perception of me that you would like to retain, I suggest that you stop reading here and now, and keep that perception in your minds eye, because I have a few things to say.
What exactly is "all over" you ask, and what has precipitated this change? I am tired of being false and compact, I am tired of being constrained, and I am tired of not saying what I feel, and it is high time that I start to get it out, so this anger and resentment inside of me does not eat me up like a cancer. This anger has become a living thing that I swear to God, I can feel feeding on my soul as I lay in bed at night.
I want everyone to know right here and right now that the life I have been leading for the last several years has not been one of my own choosing and that I have been manipulated and controlled into being someone and something that I did not want to be. That time is over.
I would like to say that although I find much joy in my life and specifically the time spent with my children, I would hesitate to say my life is everything I could have asked for considering the great strife that goes along with having 3 children and being restrained for raising them in a manner that I see fit, among other things.
Who wants to know the real me? Guess who does most of all? Me! I have so many things that I just push aside and to the back of my mind when they come up, that it bewilders me. I haven't really allowed myself time to be angry, to mourn the time lost and I have for years tried to remain positive...I try to talk to various people in my life and express the anger I feel after the last few days and I have honestly been told that I can't allow myself to be angry. Guess what? I can and I do feel angry and I don't care who knows it. It is a healthy thing to feel anger from time to time and it isn't a sin either! Feeling anger and acting upon it are different things. I can't swallow any more... I deserve to express how I feel and holding it back just wont work for me anymore. If I don't at least say it out loud I will lose a part of me... and possibly my health.
I am a strong woman. I am a warrior, fighting for my rights as a human being and as a mother. If I lived in a different time I would have hunted meat for my children to feed them. Hell, if I lived in a different part of the world right now I would be doing it every day. The fight I fight in my world is not so different from women in other lands, just slightly more civilized. This fight is not one to be taken lightly. This is a fight to the death. The death of misunderstanding and miscommunication. The culmination of this battle will take back my rights and symbolize a rebirth of who I am and who I will become. Stronger now that ever before. I now stand before every person in my life and say boldly that I will no longer be held back by other peoples false perceptions of me. I stand tall sword in hand ready to defend my position.
A few things.
I am not "crazy"
I am a good mother.
I am not dangerous.
I am responsible.
I am a good person.
and last but not least... No matter how ugly someone is to me, I only send peace and forgiveness back to them. There is no point in being angry at the person, just being able to express anger at the situation is enough. Directing anger at the people involved in a tense situation only directs negative energy to them and does nothing to resolve the situation that is making you angry. Sending love and peace to the people involved in the problematic situation will help to resolve it quicker. It is Karma. This is a belief I came up with by mixing up a billion little things I have heard and it works for me.
If you are a person in my life that has some sort of misinformation or misconception about me or who I am as a human being, I invite you openly and willingly into my home with love and respect as an offering to you.
I have nothing to hide except for a few stretch marks.
I am now taking my leave of this place until tomorrow when I will explain my almost unhealthy relationship with my cats.
What exactly is "all over" you ask, and what has precipitated this change? I am tired of being false and compact, I am tired of being constrained, and I am tired of not saying what I feel, and it is high time that I start to get it out, so this anger and resentment inside of me does not eat me up like a cancer. This anger has become a living thing that I swear to God, I can feel feeding on my soul as I lay in bed at night.
I want everyone to know right here and right now that the life I have been leading for the last several years has not been one of my own choosing and that I have been manipulated and controlled into being someone and something that I did not want to be. That time is over.
I would like to say that although I find much joy in my life and specifically the time spent with my children, I would hesitate to say my life is everything I could have asked for considering the great strife that goes along with having 3 children and being restrained for raising them in a manner that I see fit, among other things.
Who wants to know the real me? Guess who does most of all? Me! I have so many things that I just push aside and to the back of my mind when they come up, that it bewilders me. I haven't really allowed myself time to be angry, to mourn the time lost and I have for years tried to remain positive...I try to talk to various people in my life and express the anger I feel after the last few days and I have honestly been told that I can't allow myself to be angry. Guess what? I can and I do feel angry and I don't care who knows it. It is a healthy thing to feel anger from time to time and it isn't a sin either! Feeling anger and acting upon it are different things. I can't swallow any more... I deserve to express how I feel and holding it back just wont work for me anymore. If I don't at least say it out loud I will lose a part of me... and possibly my health.
I am a strong woman. I am a warrior, fighting for my rights as a human being and as a mother. If I lived in a different time I would have hunted meat for my children to feed them. Hell, if I lived in a different part of the world right now I would be doing it every day. The fight I fight in my world is not so different from women in other lands, just slightly more civilized. This fight is not one to be taken lightly. This is a fight to the death. The death of misunderstanding and miscommunication. The culmination of this battle will take back my rights and symbolize a rebirth of who I am and who I will become. Stronger now that ever before. I now stand before every person in my life and say boldly that I will no longer be held back by other peoples false perceptions of me. I stand tall sword in hand ready to defend my position.
A few things.
I am not "crazy"
I am a good mother.
I am not dangerous.
I am responsible.
I am a good person.
and last but not least... No matter how ugly someone is to me, I only send peace and forgiveness back to them. There is no point in being angry at the person, just being able to express anger at the situation is enough. Directing anger at the people involved in a tense situation only directs negative energy to them and does nothing to resolve the situation that is making you angry. Sending love and peace to the people involved in the problematic situation will help to resolve it quicker. It is Karma. This is a belief I came up with by mixing up a billion little things I have heard and it works for me.
If you are a person in my life that has some sort of misinformation or misconception about me or who I am as a human being, I invite you openly and willingly into my home with love and respect as an offering to you.
I have nothing to hide except for a few stretch marks.
I am now taking my leave of this place until tomorrow when I will explain my almost unhealthy relationship with my cats.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Practice makes perfect
I am so glad I went to practice to watch this week because if I had counted on seeing the bands progress at the game I would have been disappointed. This Friday, once again, the Bruins suffered a terrible loss.... This time to Stillwater. I swear the hometown team was NOT like this when I was in school! Anyway, although I was AT the game, even a half hour early, I didn't see one tiny sliver of it because I was behind the counter working the concession stands with the Band Boosters... Thad volunteered with me and we both had a blast. Thad was a popcorn maker and pizza server and I worked the counter. We saw a million people we knew and had fun teasing the kids and trying to sell half-priced hot dogs and pizza at the end of the game.... I was WAY more worn out than I thought I would be after 3 hours of service... but I just had no idea how busy we would be. Honestly I can't wait to do it again though... and neither can Thad!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Childhood games....
I remember being a kid and swimming in the pool all summer with my step-sister Marcy with whom I had a love-hate relationship with. One of the games we played to pass the day was "how long can you hold you breath underwater?"
I always held my breath the longest... I would take a deep breath and prepare for what was about to come and we counted one, two, three and at the time set we both went under. I always opened my eyes to make sure that she wasn't going to sucker punch me because when we first started playing and she first started losing, Marcy was known to play dirty and pinch, poke and just generally try to hurt me to make me lose my cool and I would come up for air and the game would degenerate into us fighting at the top of the water.
A few times of that and I learned to look out for any dirty tricks and I was keeping my eyes on her while underwater and all that stopped. We would be underwater, about a foot apart, the chlorine burning our eyes as we looked at each other. You could see the emotions she went thru as the process went on and I always knew when she couldn't stand it anymore... Marcy never really learned to prepare and take a good deep breath, or learned how to hold her chest so it didn't burn after the first minute, and she never leaned to stay still so you weren't putting such a strain on your limited oxygen supply, so she inevitably came up before me.... once she had burst sputtering for air out of the water, I would calmly glide up and take a deep breath and take my win, again.
So, the point to my story is: I can hold my breath longer than you. Dirty tricks aside I have set my eye on the prize and I am ready.
I always held my breath the longest... I would take a deep breath and prepare for what was about to come and we counted one, two, three and at the time set we both went under. I always opened my eyes to make sure that she wasn't going to sucker punch me because when we first started playing and she first started losing, Marcy was known to play dirty and pinch, poke and just generally try to hurt me to make me lose my cool and I would come up for air and the game would degenerate into us fighting at the top of the water.
A few times of that and I learned to look out for any dirty tricks and I was keeping my eyes on her while underwater and all that stopped. We would be underwater, about a foot apart, the chlorine burning our eyes as we looked at each other. You could see the emotions she went thru as the process went on and I always knew when she couldn't stand it anymore... Marcy never really learned to prepare and take a good deep breath, or learned how to hold her chest so it didn't burn after the first minute, and she never leaned to stay still so you weren't putting such a strain on your limited oxygen supply, so she inevitably came up before me.... once she had burst sputtering for air out of the water, I would calmly glide up and take a deep breath and take my win, again.
So, the point to my story is: I can hold my breath longer than you. Dirty tricks aside I have set my eye on the prize and I am ready.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Thad won on accident!
I had it figured out... and Donnie did too, but leave it to Thad to make a lucky guess!
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