A long needed release

Its all over and if you read this and you have a particular perception of me that you would like to retain, I suggest that you stop reading here and now, and keep that perception in your minds eye, because I have a few things to say.

What exactly is "all over" you ask, and what has precipitated this change? I am tired of being false and compact, I am tired of being constrained, and I am tired of not saying what I feel, and it is high time that I start to get it out, so this anger and resentment inside of me does not eat me up like a cancer. This anger has become a living thing that I swear to God, I can feel feeding on my soul as I lay in bed at night.

I want everyone to know right here and right now that the life I have been leading for the last several years has not been one of my own choosing and that I have been manipulated and controlled into being someone and something that I did not want to be. That time is over.

I would like to say that although I find much joy in my life and specifically the time spent with my children, I would hesitate to say my life is everything I could have asked for considering the great strife that goes along with having 3 children and being restrained for raising them in a manner that I see fit, among other things.

Who wants to know the real me? Guess who does most of all? Me! I have so many things that I just push aside and to the back of my mind when they come up, that it bewilders me. I haven't really allowed myself time to be angry, to mourn the time lost and I have for years tried to remain positive...I try to talk to various people in my life and express the anger I feel after the last few days and I have honestly been told that I can't allow myself to be angry. Guess what? I can and I do feel angry and I don't care who knows it. It is a healthy thing to feel anger from time to time and it isn't a sin either! Feeling anger and acting upon it are different things. I can't swallow any more... I deserve to express how I feel and holding it back just wont work for me anymore. If I don't at least say it out loud I will lose a part of me... and possibly my health.

I am a strong woman. I am a warrior, fighting for my rights as a human being and as a mother. If I lived in a different time I would have hunted meat for my children to feed them. Hell, if I lived in a different part of the world right now I would be doing it every day. The fight I fight in my world is not so different from women in other lands, just slightly more civilized. This fight is not one to be taken lightly. This is a fight to the death. The death of misunderstanding and miscommunication. The culmination of this battle will take back my rights and symbolize a rebirth of who I am and who I will become. Stronger now that ever before. I now stand before every person in my life and say boldly that I will no longer be held back by other peoples false perceptions of me. I stand tall sword in hand ready to defend my position.

A few things.

I am not "crazy"

I am a good mother.

I am not dangerous.

I am responsible.

I am a good person.

and last but not least... No matter how ugly someone is to me, I only send peace and forgiveness back to them. There is no point in being angry at the person, just being able to express anger at the situation is enough. Directing anger at the people involved in a tense situation only directs negative energy to them and does nothing to resolve the situation that is making you angry. Sending love and peace to the people involved in the problematic situation will help to resolve it quicker. It is Karma. This is a belief I came up with by mixing up a billion little things I have heard and it works for me.

If you are a person in my life that has some sort of misinformation or misconception about me or who I am as a human being, I invite you openly and willingly into my home with love and respect as an offering to you.

I have nothing to hide except for a few stretch marks.

I am now taking my leave of this place until tomorrow when I will explain my almost unhealthy relationship with my cats.